Booze Baby

I feel worthless without it.  Honestly.  I feel without purpose.  I am walking around so empty.  Just a ghost of something I thought was life.

Sunshine

Waking up this morning with artificial gratitude.  I'm sober 30 days today.  I should be so appreciative that I'm even alive and have this chance.  I'm miserable, though.  What is to become of my felicity now? As I drown in my thoughts and I tread I feel just as defeated as I did in the midst of my addiction.   I'm poking over the waves, barely getting any air.  I don't want to go under, but the release is tempting my exhaustion.  Life tests us all.  Heading to an AA meeting and then to church.  Let's see if I can rise above.

Love Limping

Walking around with a broken heart is harder than a broken leg.  I'm limping in my head.  I've been going crazy all day today.  I can't stop thinking about him.  Half of the songs on my mp3 are too difficult to listen to.  I just think of this past year and it elicits so many intense thoughts and emotions.  That's my problem-- I'm all wound up all day because I don't let myself experience (let alone acknowledge) any sentiment or emotion.  So when a song plays it's a cataclysm.  And no I'm not the girl listening to love ballads crying in my bedroom.  I'm not necessarily talking about crying.  Just feeling.  And they're these strong, passionate stinging sensations in my intestines.  Now don't forget that passion can be inspired by both love and hatred.  It's getting so fervent that I can taste it making its way to my mind to vex my thoughts just a little more--which I didn't think was possible.  The only thing that quiets my newly-found emotions is heavy metal music bursting my eardrums.

Thoughts of him solace me until I realize it's only my imagination.  I can't take any more f*cking pain right now, honestly.  Whatever I'm doing--whether I'm looking at the sky or spending time with my cousins--I'm always thinking of how much better it would be if he were with me.  I'm not willing to make charter with just having him in my thoughts.  My fantasies aren't enough.  As matter of fact they're taunting me.

I could've had it all if I just let him have me.  Why do I fight? Why do I always put up a damn fight?  I'm so broken... crawling, sliding around in my dreams. Finding him and begging him back to me.